i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
