Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
