Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
