At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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