No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
