The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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