he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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