How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
worst night to have a conscience
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
