So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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