i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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