Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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