***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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