I wanna bring you to show and tell
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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