Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
