And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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