Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
