Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
