What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
