Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
