FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
