I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
