i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
