I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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