This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
