My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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