Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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