what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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