Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
