hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
