I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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