It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
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The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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