He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
