my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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