That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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