Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.