i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im holly from the hills drunk
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
