a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
