I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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