can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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