apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
