you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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