My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
