if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
