I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
