My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
