I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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