Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
