Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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