Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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