I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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