I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
