I wish you could order shots online.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
