can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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