dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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