Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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