I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
